Little Red Riding Hood
by Saemus McNally
Summary: Yet ANOTHER little red riding hood kenshin story. Only this time SANO is little red. And in the end, the author finally get what she deserved. A Lawsuit


Little (Tall) Red Riding Hood  
  
I knew it couldn't be helped. I tried to avoid it as much as possible, but I guess it's my turn to do a Kenshin red riding hood story. If you've got a problem with it, well, what's with you reading so many of the same kinda story! Juuuuust kidding!   
  
  


Once upon a time, (Christ do all fairy tales have to start out the same way? Lets try something different) Way back when, when people used to believe in silly stuff like rats being hypnotized by flutes, there was one very odd family. A Husband, a wife, their little snot nosed brat, and some 19 year old kid who wouldn't take a hint and leave the couple alone.  
"Kenshin, I can't take it anymore. I want some time for US! But every time we get a few measly minutes alone that damn guy keeps poking his head in the room! And YOU do nothing to stop him! Take some damn responsibility, before I kill you AND him!"  
"But, but, Kaoru he has no where else to go!"  
"I know that! I don't care WHERE he goes! He can't stay here anymore! He's been harassing my students with his street fighting! He broke little Tetsu's leg!"  
"I thought Tetsu tripped over a rock in a Zen garden when he was harassing those monks."  
"He put Tetsu up to it!"  
"But he was with me that day."  
"You wanna be kicked out with him?"  
"No, ma'am"  
"THEN GET RID OF HIM!"  
"Yes, ma'am"  
  
Cut scene to a young man playing with the couple's little child Kenji. The young man (and if you haven't guessed by now I suggest you stay off the hooch) is Sanosuke, of course. They're playing a rousing game of hide and seek. Except, Sano isn't seeking. So basically, Kenji has wandered off.   
Kenshin, who hasn't noticed his child is probably being eaten by a neighbors dog, walks up to Sano. In his hands are a very big picnic basket, filled with wine, breads, cakes, other yummy stuff. He also is carrying a red hooded cape, something Sano is very fond of wearing.  
"Yo, Sano. How are you today."  
"Fine fine. A little bored. I forgot what I was doing earlier so I'm sitting here drawing in the dirt."  
"Lovely. Um, so, er," Kenshin whirled his head back to look at the house,a pleading look in his eyes for Kaoru who was standing on the porch. She uncrossed her arms and lifted her thumb to her neck. Dragging it across her neck, she silently told Kenshin that if Sano didn't leave Kaoru would kill him.  
Whirling his head back to his dear friend,"Sano, how would you feel about taking this food to see Granny Megumi?"  
"I dunno. She always pinches my face telling me how I'm someday gonna grow into a handsome young man and make someone the perfect wife. WIFE! She said WIFE for crimeny sake! I mean, what's she mean by that!?"   
"Sano just take the food to her. Its for all our own good....PLEASE!"  
"Well, fine. You don't need to get huffy and dramatic about it. Cape me my man!"  
And so Sano sat on his knees so that Kenshin could tie on his favorite red cape. Kenshin began to blush at the position Sano was in. To which Kaoru threw a frying pan nailing Kenshin in the back of the head. How she got that frying pan to fly so far I doubt we'll never know. But after that, Sano was off! Skipping gaily along the trail.  
"Remember! Stay on the trail! And don't talk to any strangers no matter HOW sexy you may think they are!" Kenshin hollered at Sano. If Sano heard it, well I don't think we'll know that either.  
  
  
Cut scene to the middle of the forest. Golden eyes fell upon random forest rodents. A tongue feeling its way across fangs. A pounce! A scream of death! A swish of a wolf tail. A flick of the wolf's ears. The wolf now feasts upon his latest victim. Once full on the animal's succulence (hope we used the word right) the wolf sat back and licked off the remnants of his kill. When suddenly something caught his eye.  
Skipping along the road was a young handsome man wearing a red cape with a hood, swinging a basket obviously full of goodies. ( What are the odds these two would run into each other!?) The wolf stared at this sight. Why was a grown man skipping? Why was he wearing a little girls cape? Why was he being so incredibly sexy even when acting like a little girl? (Maybe the wolf has lolicon.)  
Well, at any rate the wolf quietly stalked the girlie man, all the while thinking up a plot to get into that basket. And I seriously doubt he meant the basket Sano had in his hand.  
  
Sano was skipping and singing a stupid yet adorably cute song, "Souuu sa la la la nadesuteki naaa SOOOU sa la la la..." when suddenly he stopped. In front of him, and a little to the right, leaning against a tree was a man taller than he was. That right there pissed Sano off. He liked being the tallest.  
"Who the hell are you!?" Sano shouted, obviously forgetting the words of wisdom from Kenshin.  
"I am Fujita Gorou, I'm a cop and I live in this general area. You seem young and vulnerable. You shouldn't be walking alone in this forest. You never know when a wolf or a fox or something dangerous is going to pounce on you. You're an even bigger target because of that basket of food."  
"Really!? I'm in danger!? "Squeaked Sano, but he choked that squeak away and brought out his manly voice. "HAH! Well, I don't care! Let 'em come! I ain't scared of no little animal! With these fists I'll--"  
"Yes we've all heard this before"  
"What?"  
"We don't care about your fists"  
"Well screw you! I'm leaving."  
"W-Wait a minute!"  
"What?"   
"I'll escort you as far as the fork in the road. It's really dangerous here."  
"Fine, it'll be good to have some company"  
  
And with that the two of them walked down the path. As they walked Fujita looked at Sano. " are you carrying a basket for?"  
"I'm bringing Granny Megumi food."  
"Is she sick?"  
"No. Kenshin and Kaoru wanted me out of the house so they could get around to making Kenji a little brother or sister"  
"I could have gone without hearing that"  
"It's true though! Even though I know Kenshin has the hots for me "he nodded, proud of the fact he was going to be a homewrecker.  
"Well, if you're going to bring the lady food why not bring her flowers? Ladies always love getting flowers."  
"She's not really a 'LADY' persay...."  
"Just bring the hag some damn flowers"  
"FINE! Holy crap when did you get so bossy!"  
"Just go get the flowers, don't worry. I'll wait right here for you. There's a flower patch right through this little break in the trees."  
"All right, I'll be back in a few." Sano waved as he skipped off to the flower patch. That's strike two for Sano.  
As soon as Sano was out of sight, Fujita threw off his police hat to let his wolf ears out. He fidgeted his pants a little and then FLOOP out flopped his fluffy wolf tail. Once all situated, he scampered down the road to Granny Megumi's house.  
  
Cut scene to Sano in the flower patch. "Maaa! This is pretty!! And it smells nice!" Sano was happily picking flowers when a bunny with short black hair hopped up to him. "Maa! You're cute!" "Hello, I'm Tsubame" the bunny said timidly. "Um, are you sure it's safe to be in this field, sir? There's a hungry wolf that roams around this territory. I think you should get back onto the road and head to wherever your destination was."   
"Oh don't worry. There's a nice man waiting for me on the road."  
"No there isn't"  
"What?!"  
"I just crossed the road. There's no one on it."  
"WELL, THAT LYING SACK OF... I gotta go."  
"I hope you make it safe and sound."  
"Oh don't you worry about me little Tsubame"  
And with that the angry Sano gathered the flowers together with a tie and put them in the basket. Then he marched his way back to the road and continued his way to his Granny's house.  
  
Cut scene to Saitou entering Megumi's house. Megumi is sitting at a table playing checkers against a parrot and smoking a cigarette. She looked up from her game and at the wolf standing in her doorway.  
She looked him up and down and stared him straight in the face.  
"We don't want any cookies."  
"I'm not a girl scout"  
She looked again.  
"No, I suppose you aren't. Go away anyway. There's nothing here for you."  
"Too true, miss. He hasn't arrived yet because I've tactfully distracted him."  
"Him? Sanosuke? Sheesh you don't need cunning to distract him. Just wave some tinfoil and he's amused for hours."  
"I see. Well, at any rate you do know the drill don't you?"  
"What? Me being granny having to be 'eaten' by you? I know the drill, but here's an idea. How about I just leave the house? I personally don't give a damn about the boy. I also have plenty of errands to run anyway."  
"Well that sounds easy. I need one of your gowns."   
"Oh Christ. Just wear the biggest thing you can find. And don't go digging through my panty drawer!"  
"I don't WANT to dig through your panty drawer!"  
"Sure. That's what ALL the wolves say!"  
"Wait there's more than one wolf?"  
"Well, there could be but the author can't seem to figure how she'd cram the Shinsengumi into this story so lets skip it."  
And with that Megumi left her house and Saitou put on one of her gowns and hats. A lovely poofy sleeved floral dress with lilies and wisteria on the gown. A gown that accents the breasts and butt. The hat was a wide brimmed pink hat with white roses on it. Goodness, Saitou looks pretty. Like a summer breeze.   
The parrot just stared at Saitou. Saitou stared back at the parrot.  
"Shall I finish the game for Megumi?"  
"Yes, please."  
And with that Saitou sat down waiting for the boy and finishing off the game. Of course he won. And his prize? He ate the parrot.  
  
Sano stormed his way up to the house, swearing random profanities about Fujita. How he'd kick his sorry little ass someday. He kicked the door open and sat down at the dining room table.  
"GRANNY MEGUUUUUMIIII! I'M HOOOOOME!!!! AND I HATE THE FOREST!!!"  
Saitou did his best to copy Megumi's voice. Which is really quite hard considering he has a deep sultry voice and she doesn't.  
"Hello boy, what are you doing here."  
"Kenshin and Kaoru wanted 'alone time' so they kicked me out. Ungrateful bastards. Hahaha It'll serve them right when they find out Kenji is missing."  
"What happened to Kenji?"  
"He wandered off. Like I care. Cause I don't! Kenshin only keeps me around so he can oogle my hotness. And...woah hey...Granny what is with your voice?"  
"Sore throat?"  
"God you sound like you swallowed a frog."  
Saitou gritted his teeth but kept on smiling. "It's just a sore throat."  
"Well whatever. They made me bring you some wine, and some breads, some cakes. Don't worry. Kenshin cooked it not Kaoru. I tasted some of it on the way so I know its not lethal... Holy crap Granny. When did your face get so long?"  
"My face has always been this long. You've just gotten bigger."  
"Have I? Oh, okay. Anyway the food is really good. I ate all the sandwiches though. Kenshin can make a mean ham and Swiss. There's still plenty left for...Jesus Christ Granny, you've got gold eyes! I never noticed! That's really cool."  
Saitou grinned. "Yes, they are cool aren't they."  
"Totally, they make you look wild. Woah. When'd your mouth get so wide."  
"It's been wide for years. Makes me perfect for ravaging young men."  
"Woah woah Granny. That's sick. You're like....old!"  
Saitou dropped the funny voice and ripped off the hat and gown." I'm NOT OLD! And I'm sick of this game! I'm going to take you right here! Right now"  
"AAAAHH!! BUT I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"  
"I'm not going to kill you stupid. I'm going to ravage you."  
"KYAAAAA!! ISN'T THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A HUNTER WHO SAVES THE DAY IN THIS STORY!?!!!!"  
  
The hunter, Yahiko, was asleep against a tree. His rifle leaning against his shoulder and between his legs. He nearly blew his brains out when Megumi tapped him on the shoulder.  
"GAH! What the hell woman! Don't sneak up on me like that!"  
"Idiot boy. You're supposed to go rescue Sano from the wolf!"  
"It's that time already?" He flipped his wrist around to look at his watch. "Oh man I'm late."  
"Moron."  
  
Saitou threw Sano onto the bed and began to strip him.  
"A...aren't I a ...a bit young for this!?"  
"You're old enough"  
"Bu...bu...but."  
"Shut up"  
"Okay" And the boy threw his arms around the wolf. Obviously, he forgot he was supposed to be victimized. And so they began their fun.  
  
WHAM!! The door flew open and Yahiko took aim with his rifle.  
"NOOOOOOOO!!!!" Sano clung to Saitou as if he were the sun and the moon. "Don't shoot hiiiiim! I LOVE HIIIM!"  
"What!?!" Yahiko nearly fell over from that. "You love him? You're supposed to be eaten. Or ravaged! He's the BAD GUY!"  
"Who says wolves are bad!?"   
"The old fairy tale people!"  
"They've never met a real wolf then." Saitou broke into the conversation.  
"Yeah! Like Ha-chan here" Sano hugged Saitou close like a teddy bear.  
"Okay Okay You're both going to have to stop or I'll shoot you for getting sap on my shoes. That's it! This story is over!"  
  
~~~ Cut scene to a little girl at a computer writing up a horribly stupid fic.   
"He he he. This will be great. I'll make them do this. Bwahahah!"  
Suddenly smashing through her window appears two men in suits.  
"OH NO!! LAWYERS!!!"  
"Miss Lilly you're being dragged into court by many different parties for this horrible story you've just written."  
"WHAT!? Which story!? Why!?"  
"The people at Fairy Tales Inc. have not been pleased by the abuse given to the story of Little Red Riding Hood. Also the characters Kaoru and Kenshin have also decided to sue you for the loss of their child Kenji."  
"Oh MAAAAAN!"  
~~~~~  
Well it seems I'm being dragged into court for this. Please review me. Maybe they'll let me off with being legally insane.  



End file.
